he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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