I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
