Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
