What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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