My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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