I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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