i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
