i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
