well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
