i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
