My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
