I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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