She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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