I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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