U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
