Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
