i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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