Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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