My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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