So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
