I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
