Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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