Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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