you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
