You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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