I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
