You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
