I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
