Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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