I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
