why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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