So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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