he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
