I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
