I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
