my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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