New low: just hacked my moms facebook
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
