i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
