i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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