Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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