i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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