Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
