Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
