You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
