I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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