Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
