do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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