We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
