did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
