matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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