I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
